im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
