Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
