my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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