Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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