I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
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I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
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I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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