I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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