so that wasnt chicken after all
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
