Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize