bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
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He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
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So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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