google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
