my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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