Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
