dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
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Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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