im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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