My balls are so social today.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
