last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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