I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
