The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
