More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
