New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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