Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
