the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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