trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
