just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
