so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
