Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
