Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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