Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
