I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
