you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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