Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
