all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
