I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
