just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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