3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
