Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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