and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
