I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
