You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
