Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I need to sanitize my soul.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
