the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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