i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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