I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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