I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
