I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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