I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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