I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
