Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
