She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
