I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
