What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
