we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize