I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
