His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
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We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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