I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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