does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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